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I will not perform any ceremony that involves:

  • Jumping out of perfectly good airplanes

  • Scuba/snorkling gear and water

  • Horseback riding

  • Bungee cords (with or without a bridge)

  • Nudity (yours or mine ― way too much giggling!)

  • Snake handling (Eeeeeeeeewwwww!)

  • Hot air balloons

Sorry… no officiant fee is high enough to entice me to do those. Try it. Make an offer. I won't take it.... Honestly.

Here are a few more:

  • When I pronounce the Declaration of Marriage, I will never use the phrase "man and wife." I pronounce a couple, "husband and wife." If you think I'm arguing semantics, say the following sentence out loud. "I now pronounce you husband and woman." Sounds pretty silly, doesn't it? Besides, while I am legally able to transform an adult male groom into a husband, I have neither the authority nor the ability to change him into a man. By the time he's up standing in front of me, he should be one already.

  • I have a very hard time asking the bride's escort, "Who gives this woman in marriage?" People are not property, and women are not something that can be bought, sold, given away, or returned. Instead, I prefer to ask the bride's escort, "Who presents this woman to be married this day?" or "Who brings this woman to her wedding this day?" If you absolutely insist, I'll do it the old-fashioned way -- after all, it's your wedding -- but I'd really rather not.

  • I also cannot in good conscience exhort a wife to obey her husband as part of the vows, either. With over 31 combined years of marriage under my belt, I think I can say with some authority that anyone expecting obedience has an outdated and unrealistic view of marriage. The relationship between a husband and wife should be one between equals, not one of subjugation.

  • On a more serious note, I also will not perform any weddings where one or both of the parties is below the age of 21 and has had to obtain parental approval to secure a marriage license. Although such a marriage would be perfectly legal, I am personally uncomfortable performing a ceremony unless both parties have achieved full majority status under the law.

  • Oh, and one other… I do reserve the right to refuse to perform any ceremony, if I see fit. That decision is mine, and final.

Other than the above, I’m pretty open to creative ideas. Let’s talk about what you have in mind!

 

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